Greetings to the "We's" "You's" and "Me's" out There
by Michelle Collier Dalgetty

The results of a study conducted in 1989-1990 compared married couples who consistently refer to themselves as “we” as opposed to those who separated the marriage by referring to themselves as “I”, “you”, and “me.”  The study suggests that the “we” couples’ marriages fared better.  The couples were observed while discussing a conflict.   Couples who used the words “we," “our" and “us” displayed more positive behaviors such as more affection, less anger and lower stress levels than the other couples.

 
  02.13.10 // 1800 // UTiliX-CO // arr

Its a pretty simple theory to understand. 

 

Let's say a couple was engaged in a heated argument and one person says “we are not communicating well.”  That statement places the blame on both parties as a couple.  This statement would be less threatening than if another person said “you never talk to me anymore.”  The latter statement is bound to make the person listening feel that the blame is being placed on the listener alone and will probably cause the listener to become defensive.

 

This is a principle that can be used in just about any relationship combination.

The study brings up many good points but I feel that the results may not be as accurate as they could be.

 

That is to say, if my husband and I were in a crowded room and had to hash it out over the night he stayed out late with the guys and didn’t call, I’m probably not going to be as truthful with my feelings as I would be if I felt we were alone.  That was probably the case with the couples used in the study.   

 

If TRUE results were wanted, a hidden camera placed in the living room catching the moment when the Missus comes in from a ten hour day.  Or maybe when the Mister is vegging out on the sofa watching football, asking the Missus what’s for dinner.  Seeing this going on in a private (or near private) setting would probably solicit a more accurate result.  

Marriage is something everyone has a different idea about.  When people are young and in love and planning a wedding they might describe marriage as the legal union of two people that want to spend the rest of their lives loving one another.  It’s about being with that person that 'light their fire' and for whom they yearn to build a secure future.  But then, life happens.  The bills come in, the children start coming along.  It gets harder and harder to stretch the finances.  The car breaks down or someone has a health issue.  The pressure builds.  With each hardship comes frustration and it’s as if a little water is thrown on the fire.  

 

Sometimes things are said or done that chip away at the foundation of the love that brought the couple together in the first place and the couple’s outlooks on marriage typically changes.  If the communication between them stops, the marriage can crumble.  One or both parties may try to replace the things lacking in the relationship with other things that help them escape the turmoil.   Some divorce, others stay unhappily married and others may find a way to keep the love growing into the 50th or even the 75th anniversary.

If you listen to stories from couple that have made it that long, you will realize that times have changed drastically.  The traditional marriage used to be one where the man went to work every day.  The woman stayed home, cleaned house and raised the children.  The husband came home to dinner on the table and everything in order.  Nowadays, most women have a career of their own.  The children go to daycare and dinner is picked up at a fast food place on the way home from work.  Mom and Dad have very little time to spend with the kids and those long nights spent making love are a distant memory.  Sometimes the roles of husband and wife are switched.  The wife may be the bread winner of the family and the husband may be playing “Mr. Mom." 

 

Same sex marriages are now part of the equation too.  This is not legalized everywhere but the gays and lesbians are striving for that to happen.  Everyone has their own opinion on same-sex marriages.  I personally feel it’s just not meant to be.  God created a man and a woman to physically and mentally fit together.  He didn’t create Adam and then create Eve and then Steve while telling Adam to choose one.

Almost two out of three marriages today are failing.  Many marriage counselors will tell you the biggest cause of this is the lack of communication between spouses.  Going one step further, the lack of communication between any long-term couples probably stems from both parties having a “ME” attitude. When it ceases to be “WE” the chords of a marriage start to unravel.

Divorces are running rampant in America.  I’ve seen proof of it even here in De Soto, Missouri.  A staggering number of my High School classmates have been through one or more divorces within the almost fourteen years since Graduation.  Nowadays, it’s a great accomplishment to make it to thirty years anymore.

story continues below

 ------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                 

 

     

                                                                          
Please read other columns by Michelle Dalgetty
 
ARCHIVE:

11.22.09         -        Facebook helps us re-discover writing and keeping in touch

11.29.09         -        Black Friday and The True Meaning Of Christmas

12.05.09         -        Has news "jumped the shark" w/the Tiger Woods story ?

12.12.09         -        Multi-Texting is the newest Buzzword ! !

12.19.09         -        Merry Christmas:  Now, Please Pass the Apple Pie! !        

12.26.09         -        A Strange Thing Happened On Christmas Eve

01.09.10         -        Casey Johnson:  A Life Lost

01.16.10         -        Sometimes Its Better To Be Computer Illiterate

01.23.10         -        Haiti 2010 - Finding Hope Amid the Disaster

01.30.10         -        Does PETA Believe That They Have a Mandate?